Foolish
by Mayumi
Summary: Basically, it follows the song of Ashanti... Foolish? This has been... lost somewhere for a year... ^__^ if you know the song then you know the way it goes... SenKosh


Title: Foolish   
Part: 1/1  
Author: me… Mayumi… you don't know me?   
Genre: romance yaoi… the same as always  
Pairing: SenKosh  
Rating: PG-13? Cause it's really sad… and I think…. No wait…. There's no cuss words…  
Archive: … wait… archive? What archive?  
Email: mayumi_chan_is_me@hotmail.com  
Warning: hehe… confusing… and OOCness and the time line…. ^^;;;;   
Disclaimer: Not mine~~~ Hm... ^^ I don't really own a lot of things anyway... T-T nor do I own the song Foolish… where I stole a couple of lines~   
  
Author's Notes: Basically... I did this last year... and I lost it... ^^ now that I found it... well it's going to FFn... not that anyone remembers me... you know? It's an old fic... yay for me... Oh and it basically follows the song… ^^;;; it's a nice song…  
  
*I will kill you, DAMN you! How could you DO this me? I TRUSTED you…*  
  
" Hiro-kun, please," he looked at me with his bloody beautiful eyes.  
  
" Forgive you? I can't even look at you! How am I supposed to forgive you?" I cried out, waving my hands in frustration.  
  
" You have to understand," he bit his lips, blinking his teary-eyes.  
  
" Okay! Explain it to me, explain it to me fast!" I screamed, my voice muffling with tears.  
  
" I can't! I can't explain it to you, you have to understand," he bit his soft lips, looking totally adorable, but I must not give in.  
  
" WHAT??? You can't explain? Explain what I saw! I saw you dating a gorgeous lady! Not only dating but making out like CRAZY!" I yelled, going over the top.  
  
" But Hiro-kun…" he tried to calm me down.  
  
" You know what! I give up! You never told me your job, we've been going out for 7 goddamn years and you never told me your job! And that's not all, I never know what time you get home. I don't know why you stay out all night! You never tell me when you go out! You never call me if you can't come home for dinner, which is pretty often considering that you're ALWAYS out on DATES!!!" I went on with my tirade and kept screaming like there was no tomorrow. To be truthful, I had no idea what I was saying anymore.  
  
Suddenly I felt warm lips descend on my own. Swallowing my words, making me forget everything I said.   
  
" I'm sorry," he whispered in my ear. " I'm really really really sorry."   
  
" I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have been so frantic," I looked down.   
  
Then I hugged him so tight.  
  
" You know that I love you… don't you?" I asked him.  
  
" I know you do," he smiled. Seven years, and he hasn't told me he loved me and even if he did, it was because I looked so sad and lonely, it's like a one-sided relationship.  
  
" Let's forget about it ne," I smiled softly, kissing him.  
  
His only answer was kissing me back.  
  
  
" I saw you with her again!" I shouted at Akira when he got home, dawn I think.  
  
" Are you spying on me?" he asked disbelievingly.  
  
" I am NOT! I was out with some of my colleagues from work and I saw you with her! Tell me! Are you dating her? Is she your girlfriend?" I asked furiously.  
  
" I love you Hiro-kun, only you," he stepped closer to me, biting his lips like he does every time I shout at him.  
  
" Then why do you still go out with her with them? Is it for the sex? Because I'm not ready yet?" I ask him quietly, the anger in my voice fleeting, my eyes becoming watery.  
  
" No, you're the only one for me okay, you must be just seeing those images cause your imagination is filled pictures of me cheating on you, but I'm not," he embraced me, folding his arms around my body, making me feel like I want to be held in this position forever. Then I started blinking fast. I felt my cheeks and touched water… tears, I was crying.   
  
" Hush, stop crying," he whispered, but then I started to sob.   
  
_I don't understand, how can you, Sendoh Akira bring me so many tears? I've been crying in my heart for too long, why can't I leave you? I know I saw you, I know I saw you with that beautiful lady. How does she treat you? Why can't you be faithful to me? I promise I'll understand, I'll do anything for you, all I need now what you'll say to me. I need you, please understand me…_  
  
" Hiro-kun…? Hiro-kun?" he shook my shoulders. I hastily wiped away my tears and shook my head a bit. I'm so weary... but I can't stop... loving you...  
  
" I'm fine," I smiled. He kissed my neck softly. And we found ourselves in a flurry of lips.  
)()()()()()()()()()()(  
  
" Where were you?" I whispered as he came home again, early in the morning, I folded my arms, glaring.  
  
" I was out," he grinned shyly.  
  
" You know I was home all day, and all night, waiting for you," I smiled ironically.  
  
" You didn't go to work?" he looked confused.  
  
" Oh no, I told you the day before yesterday, I told you I would stay home, you know why?" I cocked my eyebrow, my folded arms disentangled themselves and hugged my body.  
  
" Why?" he looked more confused, and more adorable I must say… no wait, this isn't the right time.  
  
" YESTERDAY WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY!!!" I yelled, and then I stormed up to my room.   
  
Tears, again. When will these tears end? It's like… killing yourself, but this hurts more, because it feels like your killing yourself day after day.   
  
Pounding? The door… Akira…   
  
I looked into the mirror, and saw someone resembling me, not me, just resembling me, eyes red from crying, tears running down his eyes, the nose all puffy. I looked away… desperately trying hard not to see myself in the mirror. The hollow shell I've become. I need love, why can't you show me how much you love me Sendoh?  
  
I raised a chair and smashed the mirror I was peering at, just a few minutes ago.   
  
" Hiro-kun!" I heard him scream in urgency as he heard the shattering of glass. " Let me in!" his yells growing more urgent, the banging on the door louder now.  
  
" NO!!! Leave me alone!" I shouted back, my voice harsh to my own ears.  
  
" You have to let me in!" he was trying to ram the door open now.   
  
" You don't understand!" I cried through the door. He finally opened the door with his persistent ramming.  
  
He ran up to me… sitting on the floor beside my curled form. Bringing me on his lap, then he began to cuddle me.   
  
" Tell me what is bothering you," he whispered, begging me. I shook my head and buried my face in his neck.   
  
" Just… hold me…" I whispered.   
  
He nodded and continued to rock me in his arms.   
~~~~~~~~  
  
" Koshino-san! Isn't that Sendoh-san?" Hikoichi asked, pointing at Sendoh.  
  
" Akira!" I gasped. What I saw just disgusted me. The girl was sitting on his lap, and they were both drinking champagne.  
  
" Koshino-san… did you know about this?" he asked me.  
  
" Frankly, I had my suspicions," I said gingerly, hiding in the bushes.  
  
" Isn't he ashamed of himself?" Hikoichi blinked.  
  
" How could he? He's doing this in front of the public eye isn't he?" the bile in my throat rising as the girl proceeded to nibble on Sendoh's ear.   
  
" Aren't you mad?" Hikoichi asked.  
  
" Mad? Hell no! Why should I be mad?" I raised both of my hands.   
  
" Maybe we should go…" Hikoichi said hesitatingly pulling on my sleeve.  
  
" Why?" I asked angrily. Then I blinked.   
  
" That's why," he smiled, Hikoichi has changed since high school, only Akira didn't anyway.  
  
" Sou ka," I grinned sheepishly and led Hikoichi to my home.  
  
When we got there, all he could do was stare.   
  
" This is your house?" he asked.  
  
" Yeah, Sendoh bought it for us," I shrugged.  
  
" How'd he get so much money?" Hikoichi blurted out as we walked into the porch.  
  
" I don't really know, all I know was that, one day, he bought this house and thought that it was the safest place for us to live," I sighed as I remembered the moment.  
  
" Was he sweet then?" Hikoichi asked me the most personal question I've ever encountered.  
  
" Come to think of it, he was only sweet in high school and college, when he got his job…" I looked down at the floor, my lip quivering. I'm such a weakling… why couldn't I be stronger?  
  
" You know what, I'll stay until Sendoh-san comes home," Hikoichi announced cheerfully, the whole house echoing from his voice.  
  
" So… what do you want to do?" I asked, and led him to the den, where we talked about him, and my life with Sendoh, crying my tears of pain and pouring out my doubts and realizations to him, like I knew I always needed.  
  
___________  
  
" Good morning Akira," I smiled at him when he got home at about dawn, waking Hikoichi up in the process.  
  
" Oh! Good Morning Hiro-kun… Hikoichi," he looked surprised at my shrilly voice.  
  
" Where's your woman?" I smiled.  
  
" What woman?" he asked looking adorably confused.   
  
" Oh! Don't tell me you forget about her," I waved my hand slowly, calling Hikoichi to come to my side.  
  
" I don't seem to understand," he started, I held up my hand, silencing him.  
  
" Well, explain this, I saw a woman hanging on you, yesterday at the same restaurant you asked me to move in with you. And what's more, using the same brand of champagne you used for our 6th anniversary. Oh and let me see… do you have anything to add?" I asked him, numbing myself just to look him in the eye, steeling my self for the oncoming onslaught of emotions.  
  
" You didn't see what you thought you saw, she was just a friend," he was backing away.  
  
" Hikoichi, please tell him what I saw was real," I looked at Hikoichi, and he looked at Hikoichi too with his pathetic begging eyes.   
  
" Sendoh-san, we saw you and that lady, she was well, basically sitting on your lap, and nibbling your ear, calculatingly speaking you were seen as more than friends," Hikoichi spoke in my favour, then Sendoh switched to another tactic.  
  
" Hiro-kun, I never meant to hurt you," he started, I folded my arms wanting to hear his excuse, " I only wanted to see if I was happier with a woman, I never had the chance to date one ne."   
  
" What do you MEAN? You ALWAYS chased girls then, then you started to notice that they were too easy and starting courting men," I yelled, he flinched at the sound of my voice.  
  
" Understand…"   
  
" Understand my foot! I trusted you!!! And you went behind my back! You know what, I've known this was going on since the first time we stepped out of college, do you think I was blind not to see you were edging away from me? I know that's why you bought this house, to assure me that you love me. My head kept on telling me not to trust you, that this was a cover up for what you were doing but my heart told me to trust you. Now, everything that I thought I could have handled back then, everything that I accepted, I'm regretting them now, regretting why I ever took your stupid propositions and all that," I bit my lips, my harsh voice being replaced by a sad one, a soft one.   
  
" Hikoichi, can I stay at your place for the night?" I asked, going towards Hikoichi, he nodded.   
  
" Wait a minute, I'll just get some clothes," I quickly gathered my wits and my self, and got some clothes, putting them in a bag.   
  
We rushed out of the house before Sendoh could move a muscle, for we both know that once Sendoh called me I can't move.   
XOXOXOXOXOXO  
  
" Hikoichi… I'll be getting more clothes now, so that I can stay longer," I told Hikoichi who was in the kitchen.  
  
" Are you sure? I mean, Sendoh-san might be home ne? He might ask you to stay…" Hikoichi raised his eyebrows.  
  
" Hikoichi, it's 7:00 p.m. I'm sure he's out somewhere dating those girls again," I laughed away Hikoichi's concerns.  
  
" I think it should be better if I go with you ne?" he suggested, getting his coat to accompany me.  
  
" It shouldn't be a worry, I'll be going now," I smiled.   
  
" Take care okay," he walked me to the door.   
  
" Hai hai," I smiled.   
  
While I was going around, going back to the house I once called home I saw all the places we used to hang out when we were still younger. They were still so special to me, it was so sad to think that I didn't want these to be part of my memory anymore. I have to tell myself I don't love him anymore. I need this for my own good.   
  
When I reached the house I was tempted to call out 'Tadaima' like I normally do, but I stopped myself, knowing that no one would answer like always.  
  
" Hiro-kun," I heard a gasp.  
  
" A-Sendoh?" I called out.   
  
" Hiro-kun!!!" I felt a pair of arms encircle me, when I looked up I saw a couple of bloodshot eyes.  
  
" You've been crying?" I asked quietly.  
  
" Don't leave me, please don't leave me," he cried, his body slowly stooping, I wrapped my arms around his slender waist.  
  
" No I won't leave," I whispered, both of us slowly falling to the ground. Now it was my turn to offer comfort, to give him my patience.   
__________  
  
" You're leaving again?" Akira asked.  
  
" I can't take it anymore," I whispered.   
  
" You can't leave me…" he licked his lips in anticipation, " I need you…"   
  
_" See, when I get the strength to leave. You always tell me that you need me and I'm weak cause I believe you and I'm mad because I love you. So… I stop and think that maybe you can learn to appreciate me. Then it all remains the same that you won't ever change," _I said, pronouncing my words with my hands, slamming the door when I got out.  
  
" Hiro-kun!!!" He ran after me.  
  
" What now?" I snapped.  
  
" Please don't leave me again… I promise… I'll be caring and all the things you need," he said, his eyes brimming with tears.   
  
" You always say that…" I murmured, stopping myself from wanting to hold him.  
  
" I mean it now… I mean it…" he cried again, the tears from his eyes flowing freely.  
  
" You don't understand do you? I need a lasting relationship… not a one-sided one… I love you… that I can tell you… but I don't need anymore heart aches…" I whispered, as he got closer to me kissing my face once he got close enough to do so.  
  
" I'll give you everything… please… just please don't leave me…" he begged me now.  
  
" Really?" I asked him… my head screaming not to do it… he nodded and gave me a sincere smile. I sighed and hugged him.  
  
X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X_X  
  
" You did it again!" I screamed a week after that happened.  
  
" I did what?" he blinked as he closed the door.  
  
" You want me to check all your clothes? Lipstick! Perfume! You know how much that decreases my trust in you? A LOT!!!" I yelled, waving my arms.   
  
He blinked.  
  
" You know what… I'm going," I said, going up to our room, suddenly getting a bag and throwing all my clothes in.  
  
" I don't know why I did this only now, I could have done this sooner. If I have left sooner then you would have been free to pursue others. What would I know? You could have pursued that pretty boy from Shohoku… Rukawa Kaede ne?" I ranted, stopping at the boy's name. I saw him nod. Then I continued " Or that noisy monkey… from Shohoku too, Sakuragi Hanamichi ne? And I remember Fujima-san and Maki-san… they all liked you… but I had to be FOOLISH enough to think that you could've LOVED me the way I wanted you to. I was blind not to see that you couldn't have EVER loved poor old me… your best friend… confidante…" I glared… gathering all my other stuff and dumping them in another open bag.  
  
" Hiro-kun…" he started.  
  
" Oh no you don't!!! Don't you Hiro-kun me… you know how I turn to mush every time you beg! I'm dumb enough to fall for your every call… for every time you say I love you… every single time… so SHUT UP and let me leave…" I turned to him… yelling all my thoughts out. This is it… the last time… no more…  
  
" Can you please stay… just one more time? The last time? I promise… I'll tell you everything," he whispered, blocking my way when I was about to leave. I decided not to look at his cobalt eyes, they held too much emotions… promises.   
  
" You don't know… what it feels like to give up everything you had… to give up something so important… I gave my heart to you… I didn't want to… But I did, and every time you tore it up I sewn it back intricately trying to make you see less and less that it was broken but you just kept on tearing it apart. You can't stop me now… I need to prove that I am what I am…" I said sadly, his frame blocking the door, why did I not listen to the interior designer who proposed to make it wider?   
  
" Let me go… I've stayed here long enough," I begged him… he wouldn't budge, then he kissed me, solidly on the lips. I felt myself melting… in his touch; I couldn't just leave him after all these years…  
  
" Tell me…" I whispered when he parted me for air.  
  
" Tell you what?" he whispered back.  
  
" What you're job is… and why you keep on betraying my trust…" I bit my lip… he nodded.  
  
" I can't…" he looked down, tears of guilt tearing up his eyes.   
  
" You told me a while ago that you'll tell me everything… and now you're taking it back… c'mon tell me… I promise I won't bite…" I coaxed, smiling tenderly, meaning my promise.  
  
" I can't… I just can't…" he said, curling up into a ball, then I threw my hands up in the air.  
  
" Okay! That's it! I'll be taking all my pictures now and I'll call Hikoichi and ask him if he can move with me to America so that you'll never see my face again!" I cried, stomping off, if he couldn't tell me his job and every REASON why I was betrayed, then why even bother to stay.  
  
" No! Wait!" he yelled, violently grabbing my waist.  
  
" Have you even STOPPED and thought how LONG I've waited?" I screamed, trying to get up just falling down over again.  
  
" I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" Sendoh choked.  
  
" Sorry ain't gonna cut it lover…" I shook my head regretfully.   
  
" Can't you just forgive and forget?" he asked pathetically… like a cute puppy… I'm melting...   
  
" NO! Isn't that what I've done for the past how many years?" I looked at him in the face, he sighed, giving up.  
  
" You REALLY want to know?" he asked seriously, the hair on his head standing up more rigidly.   
  
" What? OF COURSE I DO BAKA!" I cocked my eyebrow before I yelled.  
  
" I… I… I'm a spy for the government…" he whispered.  
  
" And you never thought to tell me because?" I asked, my hands cupping his face.  
  
" I don't want you to be in constant danger… knowing I was a spy will make you a target…" he looked guilty… I didn't want that.  
  
" I'm sorry… I never meant for you to feel that way…" I whispered.  
  
" We'll do this together…" he smiled.  
  
" Hai…" I hugged him. Then he carried my bags towards to our room.  
  
_Now I know all the reason for my heartbreak… I won't stop being jealous of those girls but… somehow… my foolishness has risen to a new level… and though I might try to leave again… I know I'll never learn_  
  
~Owari~   



End file.
